Perhaps we shouldn't be, but we usually are surprised when people quickly replace a loss. Now we are not talking about a physical loss like a car that gets totaled. Obviously, most of us would replace such a loss very quickly. But what of emotional loss? Your long-time pet dies this week. You have a puppy in the house by next week. Still seems innocent enough, doesn't it?
But what of the man whose wife dies this week but he is remarried by the end of the month? I know you have seen this happen. I have.
Another example might be the end of a long engagement where either party is dating someone new immediately after the breakup. Sometimes the new couple is even married shortly thereafter. We should not minimize how strong our need to replace loss is.
The Bible records some interesting loss replacement stories. Take Isaac as an example. Isaac, being the special only child of Sarah, was especially close to his mother. Note the language of replacement in the following text:
Isaac brought [Rebekah] into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. (Genesis 24:67 NIV)
Many wives would confess that they feel a bit like a mother to the man they marry. This was especially true of Isaac who did not marry Rebekah until his mother died and even brought her to his mother's tent. Creepy or special? You decide.
Loss and replacement can be seen in the Joseph narrative. After Jacob believes Joseph is dead, Rachel's second son, Benjamin become the favorite of the family.
When the children of Israel find themselves at the foot of Mount Sinai and they have not seen or heard from Moses for many days, they will seek to replace God (and God's leader) with Aaron and the Golden Calf. The people sought a quick replacement for what they thought they had lost.
However, when God really wants to train us, he allows us to undergo longer periods of loss. For instance, the story of the exodus is about losing the Promised Land as is the story of the Exile. During the latter, the Israelites were away from country, home, and temple. Yet during this time of loss, God purified Israel.
However, when God really wants to train us, he allows us to undergo longer periods of loss. For instance, the story of the exodus is about losing the Promised Land as is the story of the Exile. During the latter, the Israelites were away from country, home, and temple. Yet during this time of loss, God purified Israel.
Churches also have this replacement reflex. They can be very quick in replacing a minister. When a minister leaves unexpectedly, it is not unusual for a church to make a quick hire. Usually the thinking goes something like this, "We don't want to be long without a minister because if we do, we may lose members." Often a preacher will leave an emotional void in addition to the administrative one which no one wants to take on. So the solution: Hire a minister now!
I once served in interim role for a church in Canada whose very esteemed minister of over twenty years decided to return to mission work. He had been communicating with the elders that he longed to return to India, but neither he nor his elders moved very far. Then one day it happened, the minister was really going to make the move.
The church became anxious at the impending loss, the elders grew concerned. I asked them to consider a different approach. I agreed to serve as an interim for a one year period, to work closely with the transition (traditionally search) team in preparing the congregation for their next minister.
Over the next year, we formed the team composed of representatives from every subgroup in the congregation, we did a complete self-study of the congregation, we came up with non-negotiable criteria for the new minister, and we conducted the search and call process.
This interim ministry reduced the anxiety at the sudden loss of a key ministerial leader and kept the church from jumping on the next train that came through town.
The self-study was immensely helpful for bringing everyone together. For the older members, it was an opportunity to share the congregational stories with the younger members of the group. For the younger members, it became an opportunity to understand the older members of the congregation. This was important because the church was a very different group of people than when the minister of twenty plus years had been called.
The first round of the search produced a candidate that looked like a good fit but he would not be available for another year yet since he and his wife were missionaries in China. Consequently, this first search did not surface an available candidate. The following year, the associate minister, who had no desire for the senior position, took the lead chair and I rolled out of the interim role but remained a consultant and participant in the second round of the search process. Finally, the candidate in China was ready to make the move but because of process had to resubmit his application. I'm happy to say that the two-year wait (time of loss) was well worth it and I believe this congregation and her minister would agree.
The point that Friedman is underscoring with his second rule is that times of loss, if seized upon, can be time of tremendous growth. So the next time you realize that you have lost something, slow down, and let God do the good work in you he desires.
Let me know if you desire more information on ministerial transition, interim ministry, or living with loss.
I once served in interim role for a church in Canada whose very esteemed minister of over twenty years decided to return to mission work. He had been communicating with the elders that he longed to return to India, but neither he nor his elders moved very far. Then one day it happened, the minister was really going to make the move.
The church became anxious at the impending loss, the elders grew concerned. I asked them to consider a different approach. I agreed to serve as an interim for a one year period, to work closely with the transition (traditionally search) team in preparing the congregation for their next minister.
Over the next year, we formed the team composed of representatives from every subgroup in the congregation, we did a complete self-study of the congregation, we came up with non-negotiable criteria for the new minister, and we conducted the search and call process.
This interim ministry reduced the anxiety at the sudden loss of a key ministerial leader and kept the church from jumping on the next train that came through town.
The self-study was immensely helpful for bringing everyone together. For the older members, it was an opportunity to share the congregational stories with the younger members of the group. For the younger members, it became an opportunity to understand the older members of the congregation. This was important because the church was a very different group of people than when the minister of twenty plus years had been called.
The first round of the search produced a candidate that looked like a good fit but he would not be available for another year yet since he and his wife were missionaries in China. Consequently, this first search did not surface an available candidate. The following year, the associate minister, who had no desire for the senior position, took the lead chair and I rolled out of the interim role but remained a consultant and participant in the second round of the search process. Finally, the candidate in China was ready to make the move but because of process had to resubmit his application. I'm happy to say that the two-year wait (time of loss) was well worth it and I believe this congregation and her minister would agree.
The point that Friedman is underscoring with his second rule is that times of loss, if seized upon, can be time of tremendous growth. So the next time you realize that you have lost something, slow down, and let God do the good work in you he desires.
Let me know if you desire more information on ministerial transition, interim ministry, or living with loss.
