If a family problem is chronic (perpetual or recurrent), there must be reactive or adaptive feedback from somewhere in the system to sustain it. (Friedman, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue [New York: Guildford Press, 1985], 45).
Another way to state Friedman's rule is that when a persistent problem cannot be solved, though repeated efforts has been applied, people on the other side of the system are getting rewarded by the status quo.
As has been discussed previously, homeostasis (the tendency of all groups to find a level of balance) is a powerful force within social groups. However, in a church family where a problem is chronic and repeated effort has been applied to change it, but nothing seems to work—homeostasis has gone a muck and that is why things are stuck.
The key reason for sustained chronic problems is simple: someone is getting rewarded by the status quo. This always involves "over-functioners" and "under-functioners" who have quietly conspired with each other to fulfill the role assigned to each. The over-functioners build little empires by being "needed" because "they do so much for the family"; while the under-functioners are content to allow the over functioners to do all the work.
A case study might illustrate this. In one of my previous congregations, the church matriarch had taken over the church kitchen. Now I'm sure at first the nice sister simply sought to be useful but over time the kitchen became known as hers. Nothing happened in that kitchen apart from her. (Even the ministers were regularly chastised if they did not put their coffee cups up the way the matriarch desired). As usual, long-term members made excuses for her to newer members who were amazed that anyone would tolerate such behavior from someone who by this point should have been a mature disciple of Jesus. This state of things persisted for years and would have gone on much longer. It took a new member who had a enough confidence in herself to challenge the status quo.
However, it came at a price. At first the matriarch would catch the new lady in the kitchen alone and say demeaning things to her. I coached the new member to take a stand against despotic behavior and to catch the matriarch alone in the kitchen and to explain to her (in a non-anxious fashion) that a new day had come to the kitchen. The matriarch pulled a knife on her to threaten her. That was the turning point. Because of her rash threat, the matriarch was discredited and the congregation could see their complicity in allowing this older lady to become the kitchen nazi. The status quo was shown to be lacking and a new day did emerge.
These chronic situations are easy to spot. Whenever you hear an "over-functioning" leader say, "It's just easier to do myself" or "If I don't do it; no one else will," you are probably dealing with a chronic situation that will only be solved if the over-functioner is challenged. This is not easy to do because all of the players have learned how to live with things as they are. Over-functioning leaders have a hard time seeing how they are part of the problem, and to some degree, are the problem. These leaders, so to speak, suck all the oxygen out of the air and it is as if there is not enough for others around them. They are often perceived as being indispensable but that very myth keeps them from seeing the possibility that others would step forward if only there was room for them.
Another sure sign of an overfunctioning leader is that they are unable to produce disciples who might one day take their place. So instead of planting seeds that might grow into trees; they prefer to exist as the only tree in the orchard. For overfunctioning leaders, growing other leaders creates a threat to their need for job security. Like King Herod, they fear that the baby might one day be a king that displaces them.
Overfunctioning leaders always handicap the full functionality of a church or family. So why do we allow leader to overfunction? Because both over-functioning leaders and under-functioning followers are rewarded by the behavior of the other. Over-funtioning people satisfy their need for importance (even if driven by a false sense of hyper-responsibility). Under-functioning people absolved their guilt (and lack of responsibility) by rationalizing that this is the way things should be.
When churches are stuck; they are suffering from a chronic condition that is rewarding the "wrong" people.
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