How Deep is the Rabbit's Hole?

Somewhere along the way it strikes you that your ministry efforts are being neutralized. You are not sure how it happens, but every new initiative hits a wall, or runs out of steam, or become something very different than you intended. Everything seems to be much harder than you expected.

Sometimes the subversion is subtle, even imperceptible, but gradually the VBS that was designed to reach neighborhood kids only serves the church's children. At other times, the response is hostility: "Don't you know we are the _________ Church, and we don't do that." Again, sometimes, it is underhanded, "Preacher, brother Jones, our previous preacher, always visited me every Thursday." Again, it can be passive-aggressive: "When you confronted me about my wild life, you offended me." Or, it might look like this: Q: "Why are we supporting Tony though he is capable of working?" A: "We always have; that is what this church does."

There are times in the life of the church when the anxiety is palpable and you can almost hear the people repositioning to decrease the tension—which usually backfires. It is hard to keep a clear head during these times because it feels as if the very air around you is distorted. Every sounding you send out makes you even more certain you are clueless about what is really going on in the church. You can sometimes watch the chain-reaction: this family gets mad, that family leaves, that family assumes more leadership in the vacuum, that family's attendance falls off, and the list of reactions can go on. Do any of these experiences ring true with you?

Years ago I was in such an anxious church and I thought I was going to lose my mind. The congregation was at first a "very close-knit, friendly group." As I got to know them better, I began to sense the secret alliances and the corresponding secret rules of the group. And, of course, because they were secret, you did know that you had broken the unexpressed expectation until it was too late. Though the church claimed it was friendly, and did friendly things together, the truth was they were a very entangled, enmeshed family that mirrored their leaders' families.

In addition to increasing a leader's self-differentiation in the midst of such a church family, it is also important to understand how the church mimics its families. The church is, after all, a family of families and so we should not be surprised that churches themselves act and function like the families who make them up.

When I was serving the very anxious church I mentioned above, I met Edwin H. Friedman's book, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue (New York: Guildford Press, 1985). Next to the Bible, it was this book that has helped me the most in gaining a sense of location in the midst of a church family. It is a hard read. Most people will read it three times before they have the eureka moment. But Friedman is almost seer-like in his ability to help ministers, elders, and other leaders gain a "radar-screen" that allows them to weigh what they see happening in the life of the church.

In the next several blogs, I would like to lay out for you some Family System Theory that I have found "life-saving" for both me and the churches I have been blessed to serve. I learned most of it from Friedman.

So how deep is the rabbit's hole? As deep as the unfinished business of the families who make up and lead your congregation.