How Family Really Works (1)

Previously we have noted that we are social (or more precisely familial) beings as opposed to autonomous, isolated individuals. What is common to all humans is that we come from mothers. Yes, I know, a rather obvious observation. However, what is not so obvious, is that, given this fact, there may be something so basic to human existence that most of us miss it until someone points it out. I hope I'm helping with making the "obvious" visible.

We are born into families and we grow up in the context of family. So it should follow that what we learn in our family, how we function in that family, and who we believe ourselves to be in the context of the family will presage who and what we do in the context of our church family. If it is true that each of us came from a mother, it may also be true that there are some common behaviors of families that can inform us about life in the church as well.

Friedman (Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue) identified five of these commonalities. 

• Homeostasis
• Extended Family Field
• Identified Patient
• Differentiation of Self
• Emotional Triangles

Far from being just intellectual notions, these realities will impinge on every challenge a minister or church leader will face in the lived reality of church life. In what follows, I seek to give a brief description of each concept and also to give some examples of how it bears on church leadership.

Homeostasis. This technical-looking word just means "balance." All families seek to maintain balance. Watching families maintain balance is a bit like watching a husband and wife secretly battle over the thermostat. The wife wants the house cooler so she sets the thermostat to 68º. Later the husband, who is now too cold, moves the thermostat up to 75º. This can go on for weeks without the husband and wife having a confrontation. The balance is maintained by each spouse playing his or her part. Then one day, one of them sees the other moving the thermostat and begins to question why the other must have their favorite temperature. After the ensuing argument, the couple will resume the game.

What must be understood is that families will make whatever move is necessary to maintain their sense of balance. Furthermore, if a family's balance is dysfunctional to begin with it, the family will seek to maintain that awkward balance regardless of how outsiders try to help them. This phenomenon is a bit like watching a one-legged person get use to using a prosthetic leg. While the person may long to use the new limb, the one-legged situation feels more natural. In some cases, such a person may decide that the effort in getting accustom to the new leg is just not worth it.

Since churches are family of families, it again follows that what is true of families in general would also be true of church family. Here is a good example of how homeostasis plays out in church life.

A minister of two years has been successful in reshaping the Sunday evening service. Instead of a traditional repeat of the Sunday morning service, the minister has led the church into a more interactive time together. The church now sings a few devotional songs, there might be a brief presentation and the rest of the evening is spent in small group conversation. Everyone seems to like the new format. However, the minister suddenly resigns. The very first Sunday the minister is gone the congregation reverts to the Sunday evening format that was in place before the minister changed it.

In church life, we can all probably think of things that "almost everyone" believes need to be fix, yet nothing ever seems to change. One of the reasons for this inertia is that families desire homeostasis, sometimes disguised as "peace." 

Extended Family Field refers to the fact that families have families. As mentioned in a previous post, our extended families form a field around its members. Families are a bit like amoebae. They are enormously flexible. They have boundaries that can keep out foreign invaders while maintaining enough integrity to hold the system together. But like an amoeba, a family can stretch far enough to keep everyone in the loop.

In terms of family and church life, a change anywhere in the extended family field can create disturbances in any of the other families connected to the field. A death in California can immobilize an elder in Oklahoma then permeates his anxiety throughout the congregation he leads. When I lived in Canada, I could be sure that a major event in the life of the church in Regina where I lived would be reported in Vancouver, Yellowknife, and Winnipeg that same day. That is how tight the extended family field was among the Canadian churches I knew.

In church life, then, this extended family field accounts for the peer pressure churches feel when they want to experiment with some practice out of the norm but don't because they are afraid of the reaction among their sister churches.

I'm interested in watching how extended family field changes as churches give less attention to traditional boundary markers, such as distinct practices, denominational loyalties, and brand name. These are all signs that the extended family field within churches is changing.

In the next blog, I will deal with the last three items in Friedman's list.